Grief During the Holidays

I have written and erased, typed and deleted this article so many times over the past few weeks. I struggled to figure out what to say and how to say express this. Then I realized since grief is such a difficult topic to discuss, that it proves all the importance of why it should be shared.

First, I would like to thank you for visiting this article. This is a somber topic at such a festive time of the year, but is an underlying struggle many of us are facing.

(Please know that some areas of this article may be triggering to a past experience, but I write this with the best of intentions)

Chances are if you are reading this you are going through a grieving process, whether it be by the passing of a loved one, or a loss of the past. So I would like to acknowledge that and express my condolences to you for what ever it is that you may be experiencing.

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Towards the end of this post I have a list of Holiday ideas to stay positive while honoring your loved one.

Personal Sharing

Over the past few years I have lost some family-friends, and two co-workers unexpectedly. I shared a love of music in the workplace, and I often think of them especially at the holidays.

Mr. Jeff the piano man, led a Feel Good Concert series at the hospital I work for. It has been a few years now, but I still think of him every time I walk into the lobby. I miss him and the sounds of his music welcoming patients and visitors.

I never had the chance to tell him, his music helped me years before I even worked there. When my grandfather was a patient for many months following a stroke.

These are the little reminders in life that time here on Earth is just too short.

Talking about Grief

These losses still did not prepare me for losing my grandfather Robert this past year. If you have visited my blog before I tend to mention this occasionally. As it is still “new” and hasn’t all quite sunk in yet.

This brings me to my next point.

It is okay to talk about the ones you miss. And it is okay to talk about grief!

I say this because often times, I try Not to talk about it. I don’t always share what I’m feeling because I don’t want to bring other people down. But then I wonder, how many of us are walking around, going about life, going to work smiling and being “normal” when mentally, there’s more on our mind.

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Moving Forward

The past 7 months I have tried to navigate the process of staying positive, and moving forward. While also being sad. It can be a weird juxtaposition at times.

Over the Summer I took my mom and sister on a trip to Maine. I booked the plans very soon after my grandfather’s passing. I was concerned with what other people might think- does she not care? who goes on vacation after a death? aren’t there things to “take care of”?

Why should we worry about what other people think?? That trip was the best part of my entire year! It was an escape from reality and a chance for brand new experiences that my little sister was never able to have before because my mom was my grandfather’s care giver.

But deep down my mom and I knew, that vacation never would have happened if my grandfather was still alive. How do you come to terms with things like that? But we have to, even if it’s hard. We can’t stop living. Life progresses forward.

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The What Ifs

This brings me to my next topic.

I have seen so many people go through this and I never fully understood it until now. Questioning life decisions. What if we caught it sooner, what if he went to a different hospital, what if they were there too, what if we didn’t make it on time.

But the biggest burden on many families shoulders is: Did we make the right decision?

This is something my mom and I have discussed countless times. And I know we aren’t the only ones to experience this. That is the Only reason why I am sharing this publicly.

I think we all hope for our loved ones to have a peaceful passing in their sleep. But life is unfortunately not like the movie The Notebook.

Many times people are in a situation where they have to make a decision based on Doctor’s recommendations. I am not overly religious but I do believe in a higher power. As I stood in the hallway sobbing with my mom I will never forget the moment I said, “I want God to take him in his time, not us have to let him go”

Looking back on it, I’d like to think of it a different way. My family and I were given an opportunity to be there. To say our goodbyes, see you laters, and have a private moment alone. Knowing that no matter what decisions anyone made, the outcome would have been the same. But at least we were together, and he didn’t pass alone.

The End

I had a special blessing of being the last family member to see my grandfather fully cognizant and alive, the day before his passing. This is a day I will cherish for the rest of my life. A memory only I have. We all didn’t know this would be the end.

I realize many families do not have this opportunity to be there at the final moment. But I also think sometimes it may be for the best, as difficult as that is to comprehend.

I have spent many nights trying to sleep, and picture his final moments over and over again. and wondering, did he know? Did he know what was going on? Did he know it was the end of his 86 year life?

Writing this for the world to see my deepest thoughts is intimidating and vulnerable. But I don’t want anyone else to suffer alone thinking that no one understands how they feel. Please know at least one other person does. and it’s okay to talk about it.

Reflection

I know it can be difficult, but try to remember all the great memories you shared with your loved one.

It can easily become a negative habit to think of only the end. When there was so much more before that moment.

Share with family, friends, and children the happy times, life experiences, and accomplishments that made that person who they were. Talk about what you miss but are thankful to have experienced.

Looking through photographs brings me great comfort to see his life well lived. I’m still not ready for videos but I play voice recordings on my phone of stories he told when I miss our phone calls.

My grandfather was the best Poppy to me, an avid gardener, lover of all things plants and desserts, taught Biology for many years, adored his cats and chickens, never missed an episode of Jeopardy, and raised a wonderful family. He is so much more than just this sentence but this article would go on forever.

So now on to Holiday ideas.

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The Holiday Season

At the time of writing this, I have not yet experienced the first Christmas without my grandfather. But I am trying my best to mentally prepare.

It can be a balancing act between excitement for the holiday season while also knowing it will be different.

These are a couple of things I have done that have helped me. I hope this can provide some ideas to help you too.

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(*Disclaimer: RLS Photogenic is an Amazon Associate and earns a small commission from qualifying purchases. There is no extra cost to the buyer.)

Holiday Ideas

• Put past holiday photos in a frame to display
• Carry on with your usual traditions that you would with that person, it will just be in a different way. You are honoring those memories with them
• If they had a favorite ornament, hang in on your tree or create a shadow memory box
• If there is something the person enjoyed like a piece of art display it amongst your home decor
• Listen to music that they enjoyed (I use an echo dot for music – https://amzn.to/3VND6Nb)
• Donate to an organization that were a member of or supported, in their honor
• Share with others something they taught you
• Give a gift to someone that you would have given to them (This year I bought my sister a plant since I normally bought my grandfather one)
• Have a special notebook to write letters to that person ( This is a creative journal kit that I enjoy – https://amzn.to/3WaU9IS )
• If you are able to, consider adopting a pet. It can help with loneliness for both you and your new animal companion
• Look through pictures and family movies from recently or years ago
• Go to a special place that makes you think of them, maybe even create a new tradition
• Visit the cemetery, walk around, see the decorations and family history that exists in a quiet place
• Play a boardgame with family and friends that your loved one enjoyed

Poem – Ode to the 26th of December

This is a poem I wrote last year while looking at the Christmas tree, when I knew in my heart that 2022 would be a difficult year. It is okay to feel both happy and sad at the same time, and that is what this poem meant to me.

I sat there sad it was over.
I sat there happy it was here.
I sat there with joyful music.
I sat there with some tears.
I sat there with wonderful memories, and sad for those that are lost.
I sat there thankful for what we have, but mourning what is gone.
I sat there thinking I can’t change things, the past is in the past.
I sat there with family photos in hand, praying it’s not the last.
I sat there hopeful for the future with the people that are here.
I sat there grateful for everything, and sad looking back at the year.
I sat there feeling conflicted for all that’s said and done.
But most importantly, I Sat There happy, we had another one.

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I hope that some of these ideas can help you create new, positive experiences this holiday season while also remembering your loved one. If you have any stories or activities that you would like to share message me on social media @RLSPhotogenic, send an email or old fashioned card in the mail!

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